Things are... Not good. I am not good. There is something wrong with me, something very... VERY wrong. Paranoia, distrust, anger... I am becoming someone I don't want to be. Was I like this when I was younger? Was I always this... Short tempered? Paranoid? Distrusting of EVERYONE close to me? No, I wasn't. What made me this way... It has to be something in the past... 4? 5 years? Somewhere around there... I know where some of the anger comes from...
The world. Everyone in it. Even my friends. The people who have taken my friends from me for no reason, no matter how fair or unfair it was. The people who have taken advantage of me, manipulated me. The people that have used me against me to their own ends.
I used to be a compassionate person. I used to be constantly worried about my friends and how they were. I used to jump at the chance to help someone if the needed it... Nowadays, I see someone in need and think "Oh God, I hope they don't come to me. I don't need this shit on top of my own." When did I become that person?
No more. I remember being the person everyone came to for their problems. No one stopped them from doing it, I stopped caring. I stopped trying to help them, I stopped talking to them. I need to remember who I used to be. For all my faults that I had [and I admit to having a LOT of faults] I used to be a great friend.
I don't have it bad. I may not like my job, but I have one. A full time job that pays a LOT for a 21-year old. I RUN a WAREHOUSE! How many people under 30... 40 even can say that? Not many. Especially without a college degree. Yeah, work is short-handed. You know what that makes me? Necessary. I have security which is a rare thing to come by these days.
I have a girlfriend who cares about me. When I was sick, she was by my side in the ER the entire time. She cooks for me all the time. She's hard working and she worries about me. I haven't had that in a person almost... Ever. Only maybe a handful of people can claim even 3 of those things. God... How stupid do I have to be to get all bent out of shape over little things?
I have a good life. I love my apartment. I have a cute, adorable pet... Not my parents pet, not someone else's pet, Danielle and I have our OWN pet. I love pets. I love animals.
You know what's wrong with my life? Me. Thinking there's always someone out to get me instead of worrying about people who have already been gotten by the real bad guys. I'm too busy chasing my own shadow, I'm not worried about my friends' demons.
I was comforting a friend today in the midst of my own problems that were so bad, I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown, but the part of me that was helping that person? It felt fucking good. It felt happy...
God. I feel so stupid... I risked so many things and the answer to the problem was looking me in the mirror. When did I get this negative view and manner? Who knows... But I know when I decided to suck it the fuck up and stop.
Right... Now.
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