Nasty mental images, huh?
Thursday, I fell down some stairs at my job's storage facility and banged my knee up so bad I was on crutches Thursday night, Friday and Saturday. I finally gave up on them Saturday night because they were killing my arm/shoulder/chest muscles. Friday I didn't go to work the entire day [only 3 hours to help out with some paperwork stuff] and that is really biting me in the ass right now. It's really not something I could help, but, well... It sucks.
So I played my wrestling game for most of Friday and Saturday and played some Pokemon Diamond, read some Shaman King online... Good fun. Sunday, everything fell to shit. I just had a horrible day and made some really bad choices to some uncomfortable situations and it's just crap. Emo, isn't it?
Some things were said to me that has me wondering if I'm really as "good" a person as I like to think... I used to think I was a really good person to have as a friend, that I was reliable and people could depend on me, but lately it seems like my most reliable trait is the one to piss everyone off and drive everyone away.
I'd like to think I wasn't always this wretched little bastard, but I don't really know. I think growing up thinking I didn't need anyone because no one was there for me that I could trust and I think I can't shake that thinking now. Even with Danielle [that's Bunny's real name... I'm kind of sick of the cute little code names... First name revelations won't get anyone stalked/killed... I hope] I find myself constantly on guard and it's really kind of pathetic. Not only that, but it's tiring and it doesn't really make me all that happy.
Lately, I've been kind of aggressively thinking positive; I've refused to let things bother me more than enough to flare my quick temper. I've been calming down a little quicker and overall, I've been in a better mood, even at work. But then the past few days and it almost seems pointless. I can be in a better mood and more positive about things, but that hasn't changed who I am; I'm a self-destructive person.
Sometimes I think I pick fights just because things are getting to relaxed and people are seeming to be too close to me. I've gotten to the point where I don't even really know who I am with all my guards down and I don't even know if the person I THINK I am is the person I want to be. After all, if I'm constantly guarding against myself, won't I eventually just be that person? That mean, sarcastic, snarky jerkoff that people might tolerate because he's there, but at the end of the day they would really rather see him going than coming?
I feel like I'm alone. It makes me kind of depressed, but I've become to notice that without trying, my natural thought response is "I've always been alone, so that's okay". Is it okay? Am I okay?
No, I get the feeling there's something really wrong with me. Today I put the only serious thought I've ever put into the idea of therapy. I still hate the idea of people probing me and I know I'll probably get angry at every session, but isn't that worth it to figure out whatever my problems are and get over them? Wouldn't it be worth it to be a more self-secure person with fewer insecurities and paranoia?
It sounds good, doesn't it? Being... Well, I don't think I'd ever want to be normal or ordinary, but not being so fucked up in the head sounds like it might be fun to try.
Who knows, maybe I'm just being self-pitious [that's a word?! Holy shit!] and should suck it up, admit I'm a fuck up and just get over whatever bothers me.
What is an insecurity, really? When a person believes they aren't as good as they're expected to be or won't measure up to the next person, right? Well, how can you measure up if you don't think you can measure up? I'm not suggesting I should inflate my ego and say "I am GREAT, HAHAHA!" but maybe something more along the lines of thinking "I'm okay, and I'll be okay so long as I remember that."
Maybe I need to sit down and starting thinking less about who I am and more about who I want to be, not just in my eyes but everyone's eyes. I want to be fun and funny... I think I do that sometimes. But I also want to be calm and laid back. I don't want to be jealous or angry or even impolite and rude.
In the back of my head, I know I write some things off as "Eh, I know I shouldn't do this, but they expect it from me because of who I've been up to this point, so why disappoint anyone's beliefs of who I am now?" That can't be right. I shouldn't be who people believe me to be, that's probably impossible. So many people have so many perceptions, you can't be everyone's version of you. You have to be your own version of yourself.
One of my biggest problems will be thinking before I react out of haste or anger. I have a quick temper, I always have. I'd like to blame my father for it, but even if I did get it from watching him as a kid, it's my fault for believing that was okay. I never got along with my father and I never truly liked who he was; why mimic that? Why be like someone you never wanted to be around... Naturally, no one's going to be around me that way.
Wow. I didn't really mean to write this much, but I guess that goes to show how much better I can think when it's not jumbled up in my head. Damn ADD!
Looks like I have a lot to think about. Hopefully a lot to work on. Hopefully I'll succeed.
Hope. Never had a lot of that, really. Sure as Hell could use some now. Where does Hope even come from? Let me know if you find out...
