I'm just a WIP [Lunch Time Crusades, pt. 4]

Ugh, it's been a weird day. I've been in a weird balance of almost okay to almost miserable and breaking down. I've put myself in a position the past month or so where I don't know how things are going to fall into place. I've been getting more and more angry and rash and doing things too quickly, I think. Or rather; I haven't BEEN thinking. That's the problem...

It's funny because at work, I've been telling people this stupid little story;

When I was younger, my father always told me the same thing when he asked me to do something. He said I could do things one of two ways; I could do things quickly and get it over with and go play until someone discovered I had done it wrong and made me do it over again or I could take my time and do things right the first time.

And at work, I'm always annoyed that we do the "quick" and not the "right" thing, but here I am, developing the horrible habit myself. See, it's not even that I've started doing it or been doing it, but I'm letting it become a habit. And I know how I am with habits, they can become uncontrollable for me. I can start doing something, like how I pick at my lips, and if I let it go on long enough, I'll never stop. I'm 21 and I still pick at my lips because I did it as a child. I don't want to be 42, still getting angry and blowing up at everything because I started it half-my-lifetime ago.

But I know my temper. It gets started in an instant and takes too long to stop and I act too fast for my brain to catch onto the idea of "Uhh... Don't do that. It'll make things worse." It's just complicated. I could take a deep breath and count to 10. That would calm me down. But I have to catch myself before I'm angry to do it.

I know what I need to do... I need to develop a habit, consciously. One where I do whatever I need to do to calm down BEFORE I get angry. But purposefully developing a habit is hard... And it's not like I can control the circumstances. I can't make myself mad just to develop a habit of calming down first. God knows I don't need the higher blood pressure of purposefully pissing myself off...

I think I need a vacation. Somewhere away from work, friends and family... Just a little time away from EVERYTHING. But I know I can't get it. Getting the time off work alone would be nearly impossible, let alone finding a way to explain to everyone what I need or why I need it. Maybe I should develop a walking hobby... Make a route to go through everyday after I get off from work... Just to clear my head, think to myself a bit. I think that would do me a world of good.

I need to start taking better care of myself, too... I'm so lazy when it comes to that because I never used to care if I looked or felt healthy; I was miserable one way or the other. But I shouldn't be miserable anymore. I should try to be happy and I think feeling and looking a little better would do me a world of good, too.

Hmm, a world of good is catching on in my lingo, no? Well, here's to a world of good, then... Wherever that world happens to be!

~Class Dismissed~