I'm just a WIP [Lunch Time Crusades, pt. 4]

Ugh, it's been a weird day. I've been in a weird balance of almost okay to almost miserable and breaking down. I've put myself in a position the past month or so where I don't know how things are going to fall into place. I've been getting more and more angry and rash and doing things too quickly, I think. Or rather; I haven't BEEN thinking. That's the problem...

It's funny because at work, I've been telling people this stupid little story;

When I was younger, my father always told me the same thing when he asked me to do something. He said I could do things one of two ways; I could do things quickly and get it over with and go play until someone discovered I had done it wrong and made me do it over again or I could take my time and do things right the first time.

And at work, I'm always annoyed that we do the "quick" and not the "right" thing, but here I am, developing the horrible habit myself. See, it's not even that I've started doing it or been doing it, but I'm letting it become a habit. And I know how I am with habits, they can become uncontrollable for me. I can start doing something, like how I pick at my lips, and if I let it go on long enough, I'll never stop. I'm 21 and I still pick at my lips because I did it as a child. I don't want to be 42, still getting angry and blowing up at everything because I started it half-my-lifetime ago.

But I know my temper. It gets started in an instant and takes too long to stop and I act too fast for my brain to catch onto the idea of "Uhh... Don't do that. It'll make things worse." It's just complicated. I could take a deep breath and count to 10. That would calm me down. But I have to catch myself before I'm angry to do it.

I know what I need to do... I need to develop a habit, consciously. One where I do whatever I need to do to calm down BEFORE I get angry. But purposefully developing a habit is hard... And it's not like I can control the circumstances. I can't make myself mad just to develop a habit of calming down first. God knows I don't need the higher blood pressure of purposefully pissing myself off...

I think I need a vacation. Somewhere away from work, friends and family... Just a little time away from EVERYTHING. But I know I can't get it. Getting the time off work alone would be nearly impossible, let alone finding a way to explain to everyone what I need or why I need it. Maybe I should develop a walking hobby... Make a route to go through everyday after I get off from work... Just to clear my head, think to myself a bit. I think that would do me a world of good.

I need to start taking better care of myself, too... I'm so lazy when it comes to that because I never used to care if I looked or felt healthy; I was miserable one way or the other. But I shouldn't be miserable anymore. I should try to be happy and I think feeling and looking a little better would do me a world of good, too.

Hmm, a world of good is catching on in my lingo, no? Well, here's to a world of good, then... Wherever that world happens to be!

~Class Dismissed~

What's wrong with me?

Wow... Where do I begin? Where would I end if I knew where to begin?

Things are... Not good. I am not good. There is something wrong with me, something very... VERY wrong. Paranoia, distrust, anger... I am becoming someone I don't want to be. Was I like this when I was younger? Was I always this... Short tempered? Paranoid? Distrusting of EVERYONE close to me? No, I wasn't. What made me this way... It has to be something in the past... 4? 5 years? Somewhere around there... I know where some of the anger comes from...

The world. Everyone in it. Even my friends. The people who have taken my friends from me for no reason, no matter how fair or unfair it was. The people who have taken advantage of me, manipulated me. The people that have used me against me to their own ends.

I used to be a compassionate person. I used to be constantly worried about my friends and how they were. I used to jump at the chance to help someone if the needed it... Nowadays, I see someone in need and think "Oh God, I hope they don't come to me. I don't need this shit on top of my own." When did I become that person?

No more. I remember being the person everyone came to for their problems. No one stopped them from doing it, I stopped caring. I stopped trying to help them, I stopped talking to them. I need to remember who I used to be. For all my faults that I had [and I admit to having a LOT of faults] I used to be a great friend.

I don't have it bad. I may not like my job, but I have one. A full time job that pays a LOT for a 21-year old. I RUN a WAREHOUSE! How many people under 30... 40 even can say that? Not many. Especially without a college degree. Yeah, work is short-handed. You know what that makes me? Necessary. I have security which is a rare thing to come by these days.

I have a girlfriend who cares about me. When I was sick, she was by my side in the ER the entire time. She cooks for me all the time. She's hard working and she worries about me. I haven't had that in a person almost... Ever. Only maybe a handful of people can claim even 3 of those things. God... How stupid do I have to be to get all bent out of shape over little things?

I have a good life. I love my apartment. I have a cute, adorable pet... Not my parents pet, not someone else's pet, Danielle and I have our OWN pet. I love pets. I love animals.

You know what's wrong with my life? Me. Thinking there's always someone out to get me instead of worrying about people who have already been gotten by the real bad guys. I'm too busy chasing my own shadow, I'm not worried about my friends' demons.

I was comforting a friend today in the midst of my own problems that were so bad, I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown, but the part of me that was helping that person? It felt fucking good. It felt happy...

God. I feel so stupid... I risked so many things and the answer to the problem was looking me in the mirror. When did I get this negative view and manner? Who knows... But I know when I decided to suck it the fuck up and stop.

Right... Now.

~Class Dismissed, Bitches~